...I realized!

Everyone has been telling me for years that my mother was the glue to our family. The one constant that kept everything together. I've always known this and fully believed it. However, I have finally started to pull the rose tinted glasses away and accepted it.

Over the holiday, we went to visit the family. It was nice to see everyone, don't get me wrong. But...there was no click, no connection. It was truly as if I were an out of town guest visiting. We visiting with my dad for a couple hours but...again, I love him with all my heart but...when we left, there was no feeling of "do we have to leave already?" It wasn't that I wanted to get out of there in a hurry or anything. It was more like when you go to a fast food place and when you are done, you are just done. You get in your car and go.

I don't know why it has taken me some 7 years to fully accept this. But since my mother passed, it is true...the edges of our family are frayed to the point that we are tearing apart. There is no real connection or desire to go back. I hate to say this, but sometimes I do feel that I could not have contact and it would still be ok. There is that small part of me that feels that I need to have them, I mean they are my family. Yet someone once told me, "you don't have a family, you have relatives by blood and that is all".

And so...

...I realized!

what? no ink blot test?

So with living in an apartment (and having worked in the apartment industry for years), I have had the "pleasure" of meeting alot of different folks. There is no limit as to the type of folks you can run into. For years, I've jokingly said that people should have to pass an ink blot test to be able to rent an apartment (not to mention procreate). I have seen it all from burning down their apartment because they "forgot" they were cooking something for lunch to people walking up the parking lot in their underwear. I want to make it clear that it doesn't make you a lower class of person because you live in an apartment (not sure why folks think that either). I personally love it. However, some people need to realize that no one else wants to hear your fighting, your music, your movies or your phone calls. Just to state, the underwear girl happened just this morning. And so I ask...

...what? no ink blot test?

I am because I learned...

I am a very shy person. I find it amazing that children raised in the same household with all the same teachings can end up so different. Different in the sense that one can end up so extraverted and outgoing and the other one will end up so shy and introverted. I am shy because of what I learned while being a military "brat". There were so many great memories created at every military installation my father was transferred to. I will never negate that. With every move there were great opportunities...and lost friendships. I learned through these moves, not to get too attached to people or places. Within three or four years, we would be leaving. My mother was the type to keep attachments and friendships. She was the one I wanted to be like in that aspect. She would always have a huge address book with the contact information of every person she became friends with and she never forgot them. They always got Christmas cards and phone calls. My father was just the opposite. He never, ever looked back. When we would leave one base for another, I don't remember him being hurt by leaving "friends" behind, sending letters/cards to people from previous locations or calling old friends. This is how I would be. I learned to put the walls up and not get close to anyone. I was that quiet girl in the back of the classroom who didn't talk or participate in class. I was the one who was picked on for my weight and my shyness.
My strongest hurt with friendship was the last base my dad was at. We (us kids) were told that this would be the last move with the military. Looking back, I guess I took that as "the last move"...period. I allowed myself to make one good friend. We did everything together and we became inseperable. Then...the bomb was dropped that we were moving. Mom and dad didn't want to retire where we were (who could blame them, we all hated it there) so we would be moving to be closer to other family members, several states away.
I think that final hurt was what actually made me how I am. I vowed I wouldn't get hurt like that again. It has been 20+ years since that last hurt and...now I don't even know how to make friends, much less keep them. It's quite amazing that I ever got married and have kids!
All that being said, I wouldn't trade the places I've seen for anything in the world!

...and so I write.

Apartment living...

So here's the thing...I love apartment living for so many reasons. One biggie for me is the maintenance and lawn/landscaping doesn't fall to me to do it. But...my one HUGE pet peeve is that your peace and quiet is most of the time dependant on your neighbors. So let's re-cap this morning events, shall we?

I could have opened a club at 8 a.m. this morning as my neighbor below has yet again decided it is appropriate to wake up and immediately begin with the dance music with the bass apparently full throttle. Are you kidding me? This has been an ongoing issue with them since we moved it. It's funny after the fact when I think about what I must have looked like when the vibrations went through my feet and into my skull (yes, it was that bad).

Another re-curring issue (which I am ever so grateful hasn't happened in a bit) is the wife/girlfriend beater across from us and another one in the next building. Mind you, we haven't sat by without concern nor have we ignored the issue. But you can only call the police so many times until they (the police) are so familiar with these people that they take their sweet time to arrive and make sure everyone is ok over there.

I would love to know if there is such a thing as apartment living but with no neighbors to deal with. LOL!

All I want for Christmas...

Every year around this time, everyone is asked the same question. What do you want for Christmas? First of all, I'm about 10 seconds from doing away with the greedy mentality of this holiday season in my household and making it "mandatory" that all "giving" be done either to charity or randomly throughout the year. Second, to all my friends and family...all I want is to be happy.

Dealing with depression, this is beyond hit or miss. I honestly can't remember the last time I truly felt happiness. Of course I was happy beyond measure when my children were born, and not to negate those moments at all, but those times were a given. Yet, since I was a teenager, I have had this horrible cloud of sadness and "feeling of doom" over my head. I have begun an internal spiritual search to find out where this has come from and how to send it back. I don't want it anymore (not that I ever did nor did I ask for it).

That being said, I know when and where it started and I know the first step is forgiveness. But, how do you forgive someone when they aren't there? I have so many people I need to forgive in order to get past most of the darkness but since I either don't know where they are or they are passed on...

...I will write.

So I write...

I have joined the blogging community...Why? I have so many reasons behind why I am starting this blogging thing but I have a nagging feeling I will probably just use it for anything. So where to start? I will start by saying that I hope if nothing else, I can look back over some of these posts (in the future) and learn about me. I have been so many things to so many people that I have lost myself along the way. I have also managed to accumulate some odd fears that are just coming to light that are quite odd, even to me. So this will maybe be a learning experience for me.

I guess I can start out with the most recent fear I've somehow developed. No it was not planned and it sure isn't fun. I have somehow become very fearful that I will forget how to drive. That one day, I will get to my car and be clueless. Where could this have come from? I have no clue. I've loved driving since I first learned, though I could have done without the mandatory trips for the parents to get milk or bread at the store while I was out. So I have no idea what, why, how or even when this began. Nor do I quite know how to get it to "go away".

That is what I'm currently thinking right now. I have no one here with me right now to talk about it with...so I write.